Love said, “no.”

The silence is thick
Like the stale air of the embalming room,
The mutual fate of both you and I
When the Universe grows bored of us
All I asked was for you to see me
But you looked upon me

As if I were a blank canvas
And painted upon me portraits

of the ghosts of loves past,

projected upon me any sin you chose
But like a card trick,
Couldn’t you have let me pick a card?
Instead of choosing for me?
You could have let me decide
And your heart would have opened
Wider than the abyss

into which you have fallen

And I feel for you
As you should for me
Because none of us are truly free
Bound by life
Bound by love,

Strife and prejudice,
Bound by the sins ordained

by mythical creatures

who make all the decisions

And judgements for us
So we can’t be bothered to think
But if you could
If you were able
You’d have seen that love

Truly isn’t a fable,
A fairy tale intended to subdue and hurt you into a life you believe

will be worth living
But you let it die

and shame remains in its place
Because you could never see my face
Or trust my words and whispers,
Those words and small offerings
From those of love to fear
Of worship to cynicism
And they speak, now, of an existence
Empty and futile
And my heart rests in fragments
that may never agree to come together
For the memory of suffering etched upon their fibres
Lying as silent as death

awaiting us all.

I don’t hate you
I think I couldn’t,
For you are human

And you suffer, too
And You want to be loved
But have no idea how love works
And you could not see it

if it were standing eye to eye with you
You could not hear it if it were whispering it’s secret sacred syllables into your ear
No amount of time could result in your understanding,
Warped long before I was old enough to hold you
Even as I’m sure I must have dreamt it
A hundred times,
Or maybe my vision was fuzzy
And I dreamt of no one
Certainly no one loved me in my waking hours, either

I, too, know only loss and grief,
Who I could count as close friends of mine,
The difference between the two and you
Is that grief is consistent, and loss is to be expected,
And I always know what to expect of grief,
And loss is nothing more than a thief,
I can expect loss to break my heart

many times over,
Stealing those I love away from me
I never said I was a perfect mate,
Nor was that my purpose for existing
I only ever said I love you

and will love you forever, and I do
But fear and shame and pity have taken more than I could offer
Nothing is left but the milk of regret,
The only stable in my diet,
The only aspect of my own life
Over which I still have control.
Make no mistake,
I’d choose a life of spinsterhood

and cat food over another you
All the love I fed you
Lies in the gutter
And self-doubt is all that remains of me.

What is hidden in silence….
Is what you were deaf to for more than 11 years.
You could have been a God in my heart,
And an entire Universe
in which I could have thrived

I saw you
buried among the dead
And I prayed for the gift of necromancy
And love said, “No”

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